Saturday, May 5, 2012


I never thought I was crazy until the good ol Doc confirmed that I'm Bi-polar and put me on happy pills.

I still have my mountains to climb. And medication doesn't always work.

My mental health has really been an up hill battle since August of 2008. I have made a lot of changes since then.

I used to think I was doing fine, and that I had to suffer through an abusive marriage in order to make it.

On August 19, 2008, my life as I knew it fell apart.

It was 3 days after Mackenzie's 5th birthday. I had finally gotten her to bed and asleep by 9:45. Breanna was still awake. My now Ex-Husband was in the hospital fighting for his life, and I had been trying to get a hold of my Mom and Dad since 6pm that evening. I remember seeing headlights in the drive way. I went out side with Bree , ready to lay into my Mommy for not answering my phone calls. It wasn't her. Instead it was 5 cop cars. I remember silently hoping that they were there to tell me that my Husband was dead. But deep down I knew the answer. My wonderful Mommy and loving Father were t-boned at 85 miles and hour and were both gone instantly.I remember hitting the drive way. My legs just couldn't hold me up. The next few days are a blur. I don't remember any of their funeral.

I went into a deep depression. I couldn't eat or sleep. I could barely function. I started doing pain pills. It was the only thing I could find that numbed my pain.

I didn't know what to do. My best friend and my biggest supporters were gone. What had I done to deserve losing the 2 people other than my kids that I needed the most?

I was on a downward spiral for almost a year. The only good thing I did at that  time was make sure my Ex-Husband NEVER came back into my home.

Then one day the clouds parted, or so it seems, and I met Donald.

I had given my Aunt temporary custody of Mackenzie and Breanna till I could better care for them. Cause to be honest I was barely taking care of myself.

In 6 months I had lost 85 pounds.

Back to meeting Donald. It was like finding my soul mate. I realized that I needed to pick my ass up out of the gutter and get back to where I need to be. Not for me, but for my kids. I had a reason to live again.

I got pregnant with Victoria after Donald and I had been together for 3 months. I quit doing pills, and brought Mack and Bree home.

Victoria was born with cleft lip and palate. She was a difficult baby. I couldn't breast feed her like the other 2. It took forever to find a bottle that worked for her. She has had 2 surgeries in her 2 short years on this earth.
Tori before surgery

Tori now

I am now seeing a therapist, and going to grief counseling.

I have realized that sometimes it takes a tragedy and falling into a hole for you to know that you need to change.

Change to be happy for you
Change to be a better person
Change to make you stronger.

No comments:

Post a Comment