As someone who had many friends and has herself been in an abusive relationship the #WhyIstayed, #WhyIleft has really hit close to home. People are quick to pass blame on the victim. You here a lot of that you deserve it for not being smart enough to leave, for not being strong enough to get out of a volatile relationship. Sorry people things aren't always so cut and dried and black and white. There are a lot of grey area's in these relationships. You can not see into our hearts and minds. My first marriage did not start with physical abuse. We were married for 6 months when I found myself pregnant. That is when things started turning bad. Not yet physical. Emotional and verbal was the starting point to my decent into Hell. When you hear on a daily basis that you are fat, and ugly and a waste of space, you eventually start to believe it. By the time I had my 2nd daughter I had no self confidence at all. From hearing all day everyday that I could never get any better than him and that no man would want a fat ass with 2 small children I believed it. I thought I could change things. That if I were a better wife, a better mother that maybe he would turn back into the man I had first met. I was separated from my family and friends, because he deemed them all to be "trash". When my 2nd daughter was 6 months things started getting physical. He would come home and the living room would be a mess. Which would result in an argument about having 2 small children in the house and that they needed to come before the cleaning, which would lead to me getting pushed or hit. Then he would cry and apologize and promise that it would never happen again. And ya know what? I believed him every time. I thought I could change him by becoming what he wanted me to be. But no matter what I did, it was never enough. I thought I could love him through it, and that one day he would see what he was doing to me was wrong. Every hit, slap, and push was because I did this or I did that. I made him do it with my behavior. And I believed it. Not because I was weak, but because over the course of 2 1/2 years he had brain washed me into thinking that way. The last thing that started was the sexual abuse.I had a 2 children, was then working full time and was running on little sleep. When I did sleep I would be woke up to him rolling me over pushing my face into the pillow and anally raping me. Crying, screaming, and thrashing about did nothing more than anger him. I was lost and confused. My whole life I was told that Divorce was a sin. That those vows I took with him were sacred and never to be broken. Till death do us part meant just that. Death. And I just knew that I would be the one to finally break free.That one day he would be so angry that he would kill me. And I made peace with that. I was ready to move on from this life to the next.
My main turning point was 3 months before my Parent's car accident. He had been in the ICU at the hospital for an extended amount of time then. He wasn't there to tell me what I can or can't do. I was happy, the kids were happy, life was good. I remember seeing the look on my daughters faces when I was going to take them to see him at the hospital. they didn't want to go. They were afraid he would hurt me again. I knew then that this was my chance to get away. Make a clean break. This was my Divine intervention, a sign from God. I packed up all his shit put it on the curb for trash pick up and me and the kids moved in with my Mom. And it was great. I had my family and friends back. The people he deemed as "trash" were the ones to hold me up when I stumbled. I didn't feel as alone anymore. After the accident they are the ones that took care of me, and gave me a shoulder to cry on. 10 months after the accident I met Hubby.
It was weird to say the least. I didn't know how scarred I was from the marriage to the Ex. I walked on egg shells afraid that Hubby would be the same way. That the slightest thing would set him off as well. They never did. Over time my mental wounds have somewhat healed. I will always have scars on my heard from what I went through, but I know what it is like to really love and be loved. I know that what I had with the Ex is NOT what love should be.
It was a long road but where I am now is a great place to be. I don't have to live in fear anymore.
Now think about that before you judge someone for staying when you think they should leave. It takes time to get to that place. And by the time you are there you think that staying is the right thing to do. Just be there for your friends, and family members. Trust me, they will get to the point where they are ready for better things.