Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Flight of mind

Have you ever had one of them days where you just seem to forget everything?

Yeah, well that's me today.

First off I go to go to the store, and low and behold I left my car keys in the house. I get to the store, lock my car doors ( Ya'll know where this is going don't ya?), do my little bit of shopping, come out with my load, and 3 kids, and guess what!?!? I appear to have locked my keys in the flippin car. And My cell phone is still sitting in the car seat. What luck I have. I run into the store in total hysterics, so some big burly redneck helped me out. He worked his mystical red neck magic and got me back into my ride.

I get home, Get everything and everyone inside the house, go back to my car to get my purse, and guess what? Once again my keys, phone, and purse are locked in the car. How the fuck this happened is beyond me. I like in BFE. I never lock my house or my car doors at home. But a mystery person seemed to have locked my car door behind me today. I then walk the 1 mile to my neighbors house to get him to come assist me. Somehow ( once again red neck magic) he gets my car opened for me. I grabbed my belongings out of the seat and double checked this time to be sure my car doors were not locked.

I get to making lunch for the littles and guess what!?!? I left a bag at the store. The very bag that contained their lunch for today. At which point I say fuck this shit, give them a bag of cookies and lock myself in the bathroom for an hour.

Can I have a mulligan for today?

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Me an award?

Happy Dance Time!!!! 

I just want to thank my buddy over at graceful-disaster for nominating for my very first ever blog award. I did a little happy dance, and got all teary eyed. I feel I should make a speech thanking all the little people, so thank you little people. I'm almost speechless ( key word being almost). 

Here's da Rulez:

#1: Choose 5 up and coming blogs to pass the Liebster Blog award to. Each blog must have less then 200 followers.

#2: Show your thanks and appreciation to the blogger that gave you the award by linking back to them

#3. Share 5 random facts about yourself

#4: Post the award to your blog

And the Winnerz are:

1: olivia vannoy
2: deezydoesiteezy
3: Just keep swimming
4: cassandraz corner
5: Stacy sews and schools


1: Many moons ago I really wanted to write children's books. But then I realized I'm too lazy to actually write a whole book, and I tend to be easily distracted.

2: I'm a bit of a hermit. I love staying home. I don't do well in crowded placed. (It brings out my homicidal urges)

3: I love to read. There is something about getting sucked into another world away from your own reality that appeals to me.

4: I think I would make a fantastic serial killer

5: I have told people that I am 23 so much over the past 8 years , that it's sometimes hard fr me to remember my actual age lol. 

Please tale a minute to read my the blogs that I nominated. Thanks again for this awesome award graceful-disaster for noticing how awesomly awesome I am :)

Monday, June 25, 2012

Long Time No Blog

Well, I have been away for a hot minute. Hubby was off work for vacation all of last week. Which ment I had to preform double the wifely duties than normal. I should get paid for the shit I do to make him happy.

The house was in total chaos while he was here. All the routine we had went straight down the shitter. We spent tons of time at the local swimming hole. And I got my tan on :)

I also had help deep cleaning the house for once.

Now he is back at work and I can think of all the craziness I'm going through. Rhino the hamster is about to die :( So a trip to town is in order to find a replacement hamster.

I had an ultrasound of my kidney's today. And the verdict is not good at all. My left kidney is not pushing urine into my bladder, and I have a cyst on my right kidney. Joyful joyful. Now I'm thinking, what will happen to my kids if something happens to me? I am truly freaking the fuck out because of this,

And to top things off, I haven't started my period yet. I did spot one day the other week...... and then NOTHING!!! Took 3 pregnancy tests and they all came out negative. So WTF is going on with my body?

Ok peeps peace out!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Swimming Hole

Yep that about sums it up.

Where we spent our day today.

First off it was hot as fuck out side and my a/c is totally not working. So I has 3 grumpy, hot sweaty kids and Hubby. So off we went to the area swimming hole. Why not a pool? Because I hate people.

Anyway the swimming hole was awesome. I still haven't gotten up the courage to jump off the rope into the water. Mainly bc I can't swim, I just doggy paddle everywhere.

Anyway great day with the fam!!!

Thursday, June 14, 2012

I have never claimed to be a people person.

I have never been and never will be a people person.

Hence the reason I mainly stay at home with the Rugrats.

I do occasionally venture out into civilization. And as usual it reminds me why I am such a hermit. People never fail to piss me off.

Today for instance, I took my morning shower, put clothes on ( that weren't my usual uniform of pajama bottoms and a t-shirt), tossed some make-up on, got the kids all ready to go, and ventured off into the real world.

Today's mission? Opporation " WE NEED FOOD".

So I drove the 45 minutes to the nearest Walmart. ( only cussing out the slow elderly drivers in front of me twice ), unloaded my car load of Minions, and went about my wifely/ motherly duties.

As I was going about my business, I ran into an old classmate from high school. I hated this bitch back then ( surprisingly enough, those feelings hadn't changed) , but as she was going on and on and on ( all the while I'm thinking SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! ) , I noticed ( and I love this ) that little Miss Perfect has put on, oh say about 100 pounds. How great is that? I love seeing that shit and will never get tired of it. ( it's the main reason I go to reunions, well that and to make fun of people).

Thankfully, I didn't maim anyone today, and was real nice.

Gotta give a shout out to Karma, you truly are the bitch I dream about!!!!


Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Betty Crocker am I not

Ok, So I am not Betty Crocker not do I claim to have any baking skills at all.

I attempted to make Zucchini bread tonight. And FAILED!!!

Maybe I should suck it up and actually follow directions. But in all honesty I would still ruin it.

I do however make some banging home made incing for my store bought cake mix. And the secret .... don't add vanilla extract.. add Amarillo to that shit! Alcohol makes everything taste so much better. Plus it's fun to watch the kids licking the icing bowl clean in the hopes of catching a buzz.

I tend to do the a drop for you a gulp for me when adding my liquors to my recipes. Why? Well Hell, if ya do fuck up on your recipe, you don't notice because you got a nice little buzz going. I'm also more inclined to let my kids help me cook and trash my kitchen when I'm just a wee bit drunk.

Come to think of it, they shouldn't volunteer to help me at all. Or one would think they would know better. I may not notice the disaster zone my kitchen became during my drunkin cooking experience, but come morning time when I have had my 8 required cups of coffee, I sure as Hell notice it then.

And drag their lil asses right out of bed, and a cleaning they will do.

Lesson here? Don't help Mamma cook when she is intoxicated , because she will remember you helped make the mess and put your ass to work cleaning all the next day.............

Blog Star..... Hi I'm Joni...All About Meee

I happen to think I am fantastic!!!

I am an awesome friend.

I'm flighty, and accident prone as hell.

I despise Roses. I love Orchids tho.

My favorite color is yellow

I have 3 fantastic little girls!

A wonderful, supportive Hubby ( with a great job, that allows me to sit on my ass and play on the computer all day)

ummmmm, I'm kinda random

I am very short fused ( been through anger management 4 times and it still hasn't sunk in yet )

I love love love Johnny Depp, and Brett Michaels

I think that's it for now :)

Saturday, June 9, 2012

Can we say Partay?

So last month I decided that I was going to be an It Works! distributor.

So I got my business kit and didn't really do much with it. Used 2 of my body wraps. The first one I lost 2 inches, and the 2nd I lost 3. So that's a total of 5 inches lost with 2 wraps. Of course we aren't "supposed" to advertise inch loss. It's a side effect. I say why not? Everyone has some form of inch loss from these things. Now I tell ya, it takes 72 hours to get the full effect, but damn, I'm happy with any inch loss.

Anywho, I decided to have my first wrap party tonight. It was pretty nifty. I gave out samples of the greens, had a greens face mask, and offered up samples of the profit shake ( which everyone liked, but I can't stand the taste of).

The real fun was wrapping all these people.

My BFF A did one and the Hooker lost 3 1/4 inches in 45 minutes ( I hate her for that ), Just kidding A, you know I love you. Lee did one and lost 2 1/2 inches. And a few other people did some on their bellies and had good results as well.

Now for the partay craziness............. Lee's Hubby, J was there. And somehow he got talked into.... wait for it..... wrapping his penile. There is a lesson here Peeps. So J proceeds to wrap his penile. Does great for , Oh say about 5 minutes, when he starts screaming "IT BURNS, IT BURNS, GET THIS MOTHER FUCKER OFF OF ME". Me being the nice person I am, was laughing so hard I pissed myself and left a puddle in A's floor. ( I did warn him that it could burn). But Lee got it off of him somehow while he was dancing around and screaming. Not sure if he had any inch loss or not, we didn't measure his winkie before this happened.

Moral of the story? DO NOT EVER PUT SOMETHING WITH MENTHOL IN IT ON YOUR CROTCH!!!!! The crotch no likey the burn!!!!!

All in all, I think the party was a success, and there was a lesson well learned :)

Night of Terror

So I drug my tired ass to bed at 12 last night. Yet I was up at 5:30 this morning. Why you ask? Because my animals and kids decided to torment me.

Between 12 and 3, the middle child came into the bedroom 5 times to state that she was having a nightmare. (Okay... fine Kid, Mommy is tired GO BACK TO BED!!!) She has been doing this a lot since the last time when we let her sleep with up.

I finally get her to go back to bed, fall into a blissful sleep, when BAM I am attacked by Satan's Kitty. She scratched the crap out of my foot. I kick her out of the house for the night and make my way back toward the bedroom. When the Evil dog from hell (who is black and I can't see in the dark) runs in front of me, and I fall over him hitting my head on the wall. At this point I am tired, and now have a splitting headache. I pop 4 Excedrin then go back to bed. At 4:15am ( well that's the last numbers I saw on the clock) I finally fall asleep. And what a nice sleep it was.

I was in the middle of the best dream ever! Where Johnny Depp and Brett Michaels were fighting over me, when I heard....... feet running down my hallway. I am a super light sleeper, so this pissed me off. I get out of the bed, and make my way to the source of the noise and meet my 8 year old in the hallway. I no sooner get her name out of my mouth, when she VOMITS all over my damn feet. Great, just great. So I had to clean her off, mop my floor, and take a shower all at 5:30 this morning.

Yeah I was wide awake by then. I give up on EVER getting a full nights sleep till I am dead.

Does anyone want 3 kids and some pets? They are FREE to a good home.

Oh well, on the bright side, it is 8:30 am and my house is spotless......................

Friday, June 8, 2012


Yep that's right. Ya hurd me. I am retiring from this awful thing called adult hood. I QUIT! I gave it a shot and I haven't liked it not one little bit.

I want to go back to not having bills to pay ( Oh yeah, I don't pay the bills..... the Hubby does), I want to be able to sit around and play video games all day ( Crap, I do that to, but just on Facebook).   Ok, I don't want to get up early to make the kids breakfast (Ha , I got ya there. That is something I have to do). And cleaning, I don't want to clean anymore!

I wanna go to the mall and shop whenever I want to. Not have an early bed time because my kids get up at the crack of dawn.

I am taking applications to fill my current position in the house of Holt.

That way I can sleep all day, play with my kids, AND have someone else do all the grunt work!!!!!

Thursday, June 7, 2012

Irate Momma

So I now have new reasons on planning my Ex-Husbands demise.

I am slowly but surly compiling a list of things to take to my lawyer.

The newest addition........ He caught a drug charge! And thought he could hide it from me?!?!?! Really ? He should know better than to underestimate my vindictiveness. When it comes to my kids I can dig more dirt on someone that the CIA!

I knew he was a druggie. The whole time we were married, his whole pay check went to getting drugs, while I was the one working my ass off to get the kids the things they need or want. Now I have undeniable proof of his drug abuse!

Ya know, he hasn't even called to check on the kids? Yeah, you really want to see them don't ya?

Just really pisses me off.

And when they do go , he had MY BABIES sleeping on the damn floor. that shit don't fly with me.

Why won't he just sign his damn rights away and let Donald adopt them?

Ok that's enough for now.....

Later Peeps

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Anti People day

It's one of those days.

I seem to be assaulted by stupid people no matter what way I turn.

I think it would be best for the safety of the public that I stay indoors today. There is only so much damage I can do from my home.

For if I go out in public and meet a stupid person they may get stabbed in the neck with a fork. I will cut a bitch today!!!

Parenting FAIL

I try to keep my young ones on the straight and narrow.

Now always an easy task, but I do try.

I don't let them watch Sponge Bob any more, since I saw on the news that is does something to their little brains so they don't do as well in school.

However since it is the Summer, I have taken to letting my kids watch..... GASP....... I am so going to Mommy Hell for this............. South Park.

I realize my mistake now, since they now know the Kyle's Mom is a bitch song by heart.

Way to go me!!!!

Monday, June 4, 2012

Break down on a country road.......

I am NOT a people person.

I could mow a person over with my car and not think twice about it, and just keep on truckin on down the road.

However, I do love the furry critters.

Last night we were heading home from town when out of nowhere a bunny ran in front of the car. I tried so hard to miss it. But we made impact. I immediately pulled over to check on the bunny. He wasn't a survivor.

As I'm standing there on the side of the road bawling my eyes out over the bunny I never knew, my 6 year old gets out and the car and tells me that the bunny is in a better place.

I was better after that.

Poor Poor bunny. RIP my little furry friend......

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Am I old?

I seem to have misplaced my sense of adventure.

I am perfectly content staying at home with the kiddo's.

This is a HUGE change for me. It was just a few years ago that I used to go bar hopping during the week, and out clubbing every weekend. I would take the kids to the sitter in a heartbeat just to go out and have some fun.

Now, I just want to sleep. And have a strict bed time of 11pm. Where as my friends ( who are my age ) now leave to go out at my bed time.

I think my last time out traumatized me.

It was new years. This year to be exact. I decided to go out with my friend A and her husband.

The evening started out great. I put on my best hooker wear. We went bar hopping. Then it happened. A decided we needed to go to a party.

Said party was at a local hotel ( should have ran then ).

We get inside, and I find out it's a damn SWINGER party!!!

If I were a single gal this would have been a pretty nifty experience. But now that I'm married again, I have no desire to share my goodies with anyone else.

There were half naked people all over the place, doing things that should never be done with an audience present. ( and these weren't attractive naked people AT ALL). Picture Dude's stuck in 70's attire, with their shirts half un-bottoned and a Forrest of chest hair.  Wrinkly old women. All grouping and grinding on the dance floor.

I admit there were some cool games. Some I even took part in. Like the pole dance game ( I took 2nd place in that one), would have won it if I had took some clothes off like the icky thing that won did. They even had a ring toss.......... where you threw rings on some guys erect penis. Wow! Fun times! But I have bad aim, but then again my target wasn't that big.

Then we went upstairs. ( The Swingers had a private hotel room to do God knows what in), and we wanted to see what it was about. I have permanent scars from this. Inside... there was a hot tub and a sauna, and everywhere you looked there were chubby, naked, wrinkly old women. I was so scared.

If I want to see boobies, I will carry my ass to the Titty bar! Which I plan on doing sometime this month. Who says a straight gal can't like a good pair of knockers. It may because I am lacking in that department. So this is my way of window shopping.

Now, when A asks me to go out. I always say I can't go. I just can't get tricked like that again. I need intensive therapy to get over what I witnessed.

A seems to think that I'm old and that's why I don't ever want to go out anymore.

If that's the case I'm old and I'm proud of it.

Maybe I need to find a nice church group to go out with? Then I could be the bad influence and call everyone else old and a Fuddy Duddy.

But until that day, I will live up to the title as the old boring friend...........................

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Wal-Mart vigilante

Yeah, that's me I reek havoc all over Wal-Mart when I go. People hide in corners and shudder at my presence.
They run screaming from the isles when they see me walking their way.

Ok , maybe I am exaggerating. But that is how they should react. Or they would if they had any common sense. ( Which they DON'T)

My main problem is, well honestly, I hate Virginia Tech and their students. ( I know, I know. I love in Hokie Country and am a disgrace to my community)

But what the Hell ever!

You would think for someone that got into a good school that they would be a little smarter than they actually are.  I mean these idiots ( that live off of Mommy and Daddy's money ) don't use cross walks ( which is when I usually push the gas peddle in the car, just to see how fast they can run ). But what gets me the most? They are rude ( and most of them don't speak English) .

I have Wal-Mart rage.

In fact I was quite mouthy today. Telling people to go back to their country if they can't speak English.  And yelling at people to get the FUCK out of my way. ( I got 3 kids, I don't want to be in Hell all day with them.... umm I mean Wal-Mart) . At one point today, and I'm actually pretty proud of this, I mowed over a boy student with my buggy. Well maybe mowed over is a bit off, but I did hit him with it. I asked this moron real nice like ( keeping my cursing to a minimal) to please get out of the way. And of course he didn't move. I then told brainiac to move his ass or I would hit him with my buggy.... still no response ( just a dirty look. I suppose not only are they devoid of any common sense, They are also deaf) . So I proceeded to back up a few steps ( needed good forward momentum for this) and I ran that damn metal cart as hard as I could into the back of his leg.

He gave me the look of death. But moved out of the way. I made sure to thank him for seeing things my way. And went on about my bidness.

All in all , it was a good morning. I got my wine, and food for the kiddo's, and everything else I had on my list.

Way to go Me! ( And I didn't kill anyone, or bash them in the head with a giant can of green beans). I really need a pat on the back for this one!!!

Friday, June 1, 2012

Sleepless in...... Virginia

Ok, so I am running on NO sleep. 

I want to sleep, I just can't do it.

My eyes drift closed and then pop right back open.

I have a billion things running through my head.

Making my "To-Do" list in my head, and remembering things that I need to get at the grocery store tomorrow. 
I really don't want to go, but the children require food and can no longer live off of bread crumbs. That and I am out of coffee ( yeah, it's mostly the coffee thing sending me to the store)

I'm so tired I am getting stupid. Well not stupid, but more accident prone than usual ( and that's saying a lot)

Just in the past hour, I have walked into 3 walls, fell up the stairs, and over the baby gate. 

So now, here I am sitting at the computer, in a nice safe chair. I'm afraid to light a cigarette because I may end up engulfing myself in flames. 

This is also when I seem to do my plotting.

You know put people on my shit list. ( Just for when I finally snap and go on a murderous rampage through our great country) 

Or, just how I can successfully kidnap Johnny Depp and NEVER get caught.

Well my lovlies, I am going to medicate my self and pray to the night night fairy to get some sleep.