An Ode to nipples............. kinda

I don't care who you are.

Nipples are sensitive.

They only real purpose of them is to help sustain life to babies.

So, my "N" zone is a no play zone.

Do not, bite, pinch, or pull hard on them. That shit hurts!!!

And if you dare come near me with nipple clamps......... you better freekin RUN!!!

I just don't understand people that use those. Are you a sucker for punishment? What kind of possible enjoyment can you get out of something biting into a tender piece of flesh?

I also learned my lesson about walking bra less to the bus stop with my kids in the freezing cold. Those lil nippies get all hard in the cold, then your t-shirt will rub against them the wrong way and send a shooting pain all through your boobs!!!

Efff That Shit.

Ok, I think I am done.............

Things women hope to NEVER hear a man say!!!

So I was messing around on Facebook when we started talking about migrating "Lady Bits" . And this prompted me to compile a list of things that you men folk should NEVER say. Or even think about saying EVER. What the hell are you some kinda freak?!?!?! And exactly how much do you value your life?!?!


1. Hey Honey, I think my "Man Bits" are migrating......... ( Really? WTF are they migrating to? I mean did they grow wings to fly south for the winter?)

2. I'm not allowed on ANY school property......  Seriously there Buddy, this is a no brainer. You just need to turn Gay cause no sane woman is gonna want your sick ass to procreate with!!!

3. Sit down, WE need to talk............. REALLY ? Because I happen to have a hell of a lot to say!!!

4. Your sister is pretty................... Do You want to feel it when you die? Or do you want me just to knock your stupid ass unconscious then do it? Either way it WILL NOT be pleasant.

5. I'm not sure that one is mine..................... Really? Me either.

6. I'm gay .............................. This is a good way to be murdered and hid in the woods somewhere as well!

7. I've had better....................... Really? Me too. Maybe if you grew a few inches it would be better for the both of us.

8. I was thinking of you the whole time................. Cool Beans cause when we are together I pretend your Captain Jack Sparrow, Or any other form of Johnny Depp!!!

9. By the way, I didn't pull out...... Are you FUCKING kidding me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

10. It was just sex, it didn't mean anything............................. Once again this = DEATH

11. I didn't know she was your best friend, I don't remember anything....................... REALLY cause she does, and now she know that I lied about how big your winky is you efffin idiot!!!

12. Calling someone else's name in bed.........................  = DEATH

13. I don't even know her................................. Duh Hookers don't give names very often!!!!

14. Smell this...................... Are you on crack? I don't know where you've been.

15. I have an STD............................... So do you want friendly castration? Or the kind I intend to give you anyway?

16. I have 6 kids........................... And WTH aren't you taking care of these ?

17. My ex did it better..................... Then carry your ass back to that nasty whore!!!!

18. You look pretty today........................ And I don't every day?

If you Men Folk utter these phrases, Well my best advice is to run..... or get me something shiny, cause I do love the shiny things in life  !!

..................................................................................................

Not sure the point of this blog. So the title is a buncha dots.

I think , NOOO I know I want another baby!!!

Problem is?

The Hubs isn't so sure he want's one, but we all know that what I say goes!

Another problem?

Well I learned that the more children you have the more things migrate to where they shouldn't be.

I recently found out that I have a prolapsed bladder and uterus.

Upon hearing this wonderful news I had visions of walking down the street and my inards falling out. I know, I know this isn't very likely to happen. But I still can't help but picture it.

Well my wonderful Doc told me that we will not do any surgical repairs until I am done having babies. So yay for that.

Also I seem to have an ant epidemic in my house. I have no clue how to get rid of them. Anyone have any ideas?

Oh and hahaha I ( that's right me, all by myself) unclogged the kitchen sink.

I think this is enough rambling.

The workings of a Penile

I'm just gonna put it out there.

PENIS.

Take a minute and let that word sink in : P.E.N.I.S

Being female and all I have always been curious about the workings of the peniles.

I happen to think they are kinda nifty.

If I had one I would most likely have my hands on it 24/7

But being a woman I know I say what goes,

Why You may ask?

Because I possess the thing that most peniles  want most.

The Hubby think's I am odd. I am obsessed with Boobies and Penises.

I happen to call his , his winky, or lil Willy, or cock, depending on what kind of mood I am in.

Here is a list of Penile nicknames I have came across:

Beaver Cleaver

Meat Thermometer

One-Eyed Monster

Energizer Bunny

Boomerang

Magic Stick

Lincoln Log

Anaconda

The Trouser Snake

Pipecleaner

Seabiscuit

The Pleasure Pump

Man’s Best Friend

The Dicktator

Third Leg of the Tripod

Pinnochio

Mr. Winky

 Hercules Meatquake

 Tiny 

 The Tentacle of Love 

 Jolly Pink Giant

 The Littlest Stormtrooper

 Sir John Falstaff 

 The Ejaculator 

 Gilgamesh, Half-God Warrior King of the Sumerians 

 The Fourth Branch of Government

 Zipperpocalypse

 Whoa's Ark 

 The Trunk of Life 

 ICBM

 Flesh O'Clock 

 Hound of the Baskervilles 

 Destro's Secret Weapon 

 Titanus Shaftum 

 The Mighty Dongo

 Phallcor, The Luck Dragon

 King of Wangistan 

 Rodzilla 

 Bachman Turner Overdrive 

The Starship Bonerprize 

 Mjolnir 

 Seven And A Half Inches Of Fury 

Schlongzilla
Pennis the Menace
Wrinklebeast
Johnny Come Early
Third Arm of Justice
The Zipper Ripper
Everybody Loves the Nubbin
Gertrude Frankenstein
Twinkie
The Exxon Valdenis
Abdullah (the Tent Maker)
Donald Pump
Admiral James T. Cock
President Johnson
Kaptain Kielbasa
Old Drizzly
Chief of Staff
Pope John Pole III
Thor’s Hammer
King Leer
The Molten Mushroom
Scepter of Sordidness
Horseman of the Ahumpalypse
Regurgitator of Rejuvenation
E.T.’s Stinkfinger
Niagara Balls
Meat Maelstrom
Trembling Torpedo
King Ohyeah
Buster McThunderstick
Madeleine Albright
The Viscount of Veins
The New York Post
Winnie the Cock
The Fleshy Winnebago
The Squinty Blowpop
The Slim Reaper
Jack Kerouwacker
The Naughtiest Cardinal
Master’s Pincushion

And I am sure there are many more. I just noticed that the men folk are so much more creative naming their man bits than we are at naming our lady bits.

But it doesn't matter, because WE ALL KNOW  THAT GINERS  make the world go round !!!

BOOBIES!!!!!!

Ok being a straight gal, I have something important to say!

I LOVE BOOBIES!!!!!

Boobs are great. Everyone loves them!!!

They come in all shapes and sized.

small, big, lumpy, hard, real fake. even, uneven.

I fall in the medium uneven area lol.

But still I adore Boobs!!!

 My friend Angela has the best Boobies EVER!!! And she lets me touch them. They are bigger than mine and I am just entranced with them.

So the consensus is: BOOBS ROCK!!!!

Can we say VAGINA?

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Your doing WHAT?!?!

Working on a 3 part blog. It will be x rated. not for those weak of heart.

Going for broke

It's one of those days.

A billion things to do and no time to do them.

My "to-do" list today consist mostly of driving.

Paying bills, running by the kid's school, taking them to their biological sperm donor, going to pay Donald's court cost, and a few more errands.

Which in between all the bills and gas for the car ( which is now damn near 4.00 a gallon) , we will officially be broke.

What happened to the good "ol" days? You know when gas was below 2.00 a gallon?

I mean damn Exxon people. Ya'll got tons of monies, give us a break!!!

Then there is the whole Walmart thing. I need to go, but always end up with more than I planned on going for. And that shit adds up too.

PFFFFTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!

A little nutty in the house

Sometimes I wonder why I choose to be a stay at home mommy instead of staying in the work field.  ( Not really a choice due to medical problems I can't seem to get control over)

I used to have a life and outside friends. I had a job that I absolutely loved. I was once a COA ( certified opthamoligic assistant )  working toward my COMT ( certified opthamoligic medical tech ). Which would have been AWESOME, I would have gotten to help in lens transplants and all kinds of neat eye surgeries, instead of just getting to sit in and watch on occasion. I loved doing eye injections, puff test, and VA tests.

I was doing great working full time and being a Mommy to my then 2 beautiful little kids.

Then my Mommy passed away in a car accident. My depression and my fibromyalgia just got so much worse on me that I couldn't work.

Everyday since then is a struggle. My body hurts all the time. And half the time I have problems even getting out of bed.

I now have a 3rd little girl who is 2 now.

For the most part I love being at home with the heathens.....

Then there are days like today, where they are all 3 at home, driving me crazy, and I can't seem to get shit done.

Days like today, I long for adult interaction. something to talk about other than the kitties, and random cartoons that they watch.

I need a break.

Today wouldn't have been so bad if the older 2 hadn't been sent home from school for .... GAH lice......

Where the fuck did these bugs come from? I bleach everything twice a week. Bedding is changed every other day. They bathe and wash their hair every night.

So today I have a full on assault on these head creatures. EVERYTHING is getting washed in scalding hot water. I'm using bleach on everything, pluse that Rid lice spray. I have done treatments on everyone's heads, now I'm going to slather their hair in vasoline and let it sit for a few hours. I want these things out of my house!!!!

On top of that, I still need to pay some bills, wash and fold the rest of the laundry, clean the bathroom, living room, and kitchen. Clean all 3 kids rooms. Plus my bedroom. I also want to go through all the clothes we no longer wear and take pictures of them for the Yard Sale page on Facebook.

At the rate I'm going I may get everything done by midnight, but I doubt it.

My kids seem to think that it's ok to fight and argue and be super winey today.

I may just have to lock them in the closet to get anything done.

At some point in time I will need to make dinner and feed our animals.

And clean the hamster cage.

On top of already having 3 kids that range in age between 2 and 8, we have 1 hamster named Rhino, 2 cats, and a dog.

And yet I am getting a new dog next month ?

Why you might ask....

Well because obviously I don't have nearly enough to keep me busy.

He will be so worth it tho. He is 98% wolf and 2% shepherd. A truly magnificent puppy.

Don't you agree?

I feel like I am losing it today.

How am I going to get everything done?

Maybe I should just go back to work and then hire some help.....................................

I just don't know

So I have been gone for awhile. My Papaw passed away last Thursday. I got the call that morning that they wanted the whole family together at the hospital. We were told there was nothing more that they could do for him, and that the machines were doing everything for him. So, we took him off the life support. He was gone in less than 5 minutes.

I still can't believe this. My Papaw was my Hero. The only constant male figure in my life, and just like that he's gone.

I know I should be happy for him. He is on the otherside with my Mommy. He is no longer hurting.

But DAMMIT THIS IS MY PAPAW!! I may be a selfish bitch, but I want him here with us. We need him.

I feel so much guilt. I don't remember the last time I told him that I loved him. His birthday was the 29th of March ( he turned 69). And I had every intention to call and wish him happy birthday, but somehow I forgot and never did. I am such an awful Granddaughter .

Maybe if he had had the surgery sooner his body would have been stronger.

I feel abandoned, and heartbroken.

I love and miss him so much.

Kinda like my Mommy, I don't think I will ever get over this.

I just don't know what to do

I don't know what to think

I don't know what to feel

I just don't know.

I love you Papaw

RIP
Charles Roger Hupman
March 29, 1943 - April 12, 2012

WE WILL LOVE AND MISS YOU FOREVER AND ALWAYS!!!!!

alone in space

Well I am looking for some trouble to get into.

The Hubby is out of town for the next 6 days.  Don't now what I'm going to do without him. What will I do if the toilet get's clogged? Or I get a flat? Or even worse what if I see a SPIDER?!?!?!? Who is going to keep me on the straight and narrow? What if I get the urge to give the girl's mullets? Or paint the living room hot pink? ( Might actually do that :) ). Who is going to convince me to send the kids to school , that they aren't really sick and are just trying to play hokey? Who is going to do my dishes and help me clean? (Okay , I don't really need help with that, but it would be nice)

Maybe for the next 6 days I will be a nudist? (Nah, I don't wanna traumatize the neighbors with my jelly rolls and dimpled butt cheeks)

And what about sex. Guess there is no love like self love. Thank the lord I have enough toys to own stock with energizer and power a small X- rated store.

Perhaps I will go get my hair did. Platinum blonde with purple streaks anyone?

Plus I have to remember that the little people in the house need to be fed. And help with homework , no matter how clueless I am to what they are learning.

So I suppose that for the next 6 days I need to be the grown up that I really don't want to be. We shall see how that goes....................................

 TO BE CONTINUED

Accident Prone?

I'm not going to sit here and lie. Well Maybe a little. I do believe that my house is out to get me.


Just this morning alone, I have ran into four walls, tripped over a rug ( which lead me to falling head first over the baby gate) , fell up the stairs not once , not twice, but three times, and I have stubbed my toe three times on my coffee table. 


And it's not just my house that is out to get me. My Hubby's damn cat is plotting my demise as well. On my way to the bathroom, she knocked the swiffer over in front of me ( which I didn't notice until I was falling face first toward a box of glass were ) . Thankfully I caught myself before the death by kitty could occur.


I have realized it takes a "special" kind of person to fall up stairs, and over imaginary steps in the house. An a "special" kind of person to run into walls that have been in the same place for years and years. I'm kinda like a Ninja in these skills I have required. 


I don't understand how I got such coordinated kids, when I fall and run into things on an everyday basis. 


I still need to get dressed, but I'm afraid of what will happen to me when I go to flat iron my hair. This is NOT going to be a good day. It's 11am, and I've only been up for 2 hours. Maybe I should go back to bed and hide until it is safe to come back out.....

What to do what to do

As I sit here on my ever expanding ass, I am making a "To-Do" list for the day.  The problem with this list...... I have no inclination to get up off my ass to do anything.

Maybe I can bribe the kids to do some of the house work. I really want to get my Spring cleaning done. And go through everyone's clothes and put the out grown clothes on the "Yard Sale" page on facebook.

But once again I have no motivation whatsoever.

Also. my house if FREEZING!!!! I can't work when it's cold. It's hot as fuck outside, but like the damn arctic  inside.  And my body hurts when it's cold.....

Plus I need to go to the dreaded grocery store. I have been putting it off for so long we have no food in the house.  ( I wonder how long it would take CPS to show up if I refuse to go and just feed the kids bread crumbs for a week ). So I suppose I must do the unthinkable.

Am I the only person that has cart rage in Walmart? I can't seem to keep my mouth shut. I mow people in my way over, and shout curse words at random strangers blocking my food!!  And try doing this with 3 children in tow. It is oh so very stressful. I have to take 2 nerve pills just for this adventure.

Ok Peeps I'm out

Worst Easter EVER!!!

So, my Papaw had surgery last Thursday and has been in ICU ever since. I went and saw him yesterday and everyone was saying he was stable. Then my Aunt called me this am. The Doctors didn't think he would make it through last night. His liver is failing, they have him on dialysis, and he has fluid in his lungs. His oxygen won't stay up, and they can't get him stable enough to transport him to a better hospital. All I can think is that I'm NOT ready to lose him.

He looked so fragile yesterday. My Papaw is not a fragile man.

I keep remembering when I was little and me and my cousin and Aunts and Mom would help him clean his school bus.

He used to call me Cracker Jack. He is such a strong man and worked all the time.

So Easter has been really hard on me this year.

Sticky Floors

Oh how I miss those days before children when my floors were not sticky. No matter how many times I mop it doesn't help. Nothing like waking up in the middle of the night, walking to the kitchen and getting a mystery stickiness on your foot.

Where do these spots come from when you mop AFTER the kids are in bed!!!

Sometimes I wish we lived in a time before the stickiness was invented. Before, juice,soda,and kool-aid. Milk is sticky too. (So we would have to live before milk was invented)

Which brings up an interesting thought... Who the hell invented milk? What kind of freak decided to pull on a cows nipples and taste what came out??? Bestiality at it's finest...

Anyway, I'm sure then it didn't matter. Those folk had dirt floors. Hence the floors didn't get sticky. You just swept the dirty dirt out the door because there was nice clean dirt under it.

Then again I would hate dirt floors. I despise dirty socks and feet. Could imagine how filthy and stained your little footies and socks would be after walking around on a dirt floor all damn day long?  Fuck that shit!! That and they didn't have washers and dryers back then, and I am not about to hand wash anyone's nasty ass dirt stained socks!!!

Anywho, back to what I was initially talking about. I think I will try to enjoy the sticky floors for now, because one day my kiddo's will be gone and my floors will no longer be sticky.....................

To blog or not to blog. Tis is the question

Note to self.... I am much more exciting in person.

So this whole blogging thing is totally new to me.  That and even tho I have TONS of interesting things to say, My little brain jumps from subject to subject so no one would ever even have a clue what the hell I am talking about. ( ohhh look, something shiny) . I am easily distracted , obviously ....

I have a shit load of interesting things and ideas to write about, but I just don't know where to start.