Hello Wall

Yeah, anymore, I would get more of a reaction by talking to this here wall, then trying to say ANYTHING to my children. Now I just want to ram my head into said wall.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I stay stressed, and keep a migraine.

I'm to the point where I dread weekends because that means that I am stuck with them all day.  Honestly, I really do not like my kids right now. Yes, I do love them, but I truly do not like them.

The 2 year old I understand. She is a baby and is learning new things everyday.

The 9 year old. She is okay at times. And in general does what I ask her to. Even if I do have to ask her 5 billion times, it does eventually get done.

My 6 year old is the problem. She NEVER listens to me. Flies into rages over the smallest things. Tells me that she HATES me, wishes I were dead, and that she wishes I wasn't her Mom on a daily basis. She is getting violent toward her sisters. And I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing fazes her. Ground her to her bedroom, she doesn't care. Time out is just a big joke to her. And I can whip her all day long and just goes back to do the same thing she got in trouble for to begin with. We have tried reward charts and bribing her. NOTHING works.

I'm seriously at the end of my rope.

Bitchy Wish List

       Since school has started back I have been a mess. I drag ass all day trying to wake up, then come 10pm when I actually can and WANT to sleep, I am wide awake. What is up with this? So for the past 14 days I have been running off of 3 hours of sleep a night. And let me tell you, I have been such a joy to be around! The kids and Hubster just love me being all bitchy, and snappy, gnashing my teeth and snarling at them over the slightest little thing. Spill a drink in my house? And you are likely to lose your head. Evidently I have been so bad, my 9 year old brought me my bottle of Ativan and instructed me to take 5 because I needed them for my attitude. Have I really been that bad? Yeah I have.

On the plus side, all this time NOT sleeping has given me plenty of time to search the inter-web for uber cute animals that I will one day procure.

So here we go...

1. I've had them before and I want more..... SUGAR GLIDERS

look how cute!!!

2. Chinchilla

Heehee they kinda look like Pikachu

3. Hedgehogs

I'd name it Sonic

4. Mouse Possum

A-Freeking dorable!!!

5. Teacup Piggy

I would take little Bacon everywhere with me!!!

6. Kinkajou

Come on, look at that little face. I know you want one too!!!

That about sums up my critter wish list for now.

Letter for Mom

I'm having a hard time lately . I miss My Mom so very much. So maybe writing a letter to her will help me some?

Dear Mommy,

Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. I miss you more than words can say. And the pain I still feel , even tho you have been gone for 4 years now is indescribable. I feel like there is a giant jagged hole in my heart.

I am sorry for so many things I said to you. And I wish I could take them all back. I wish I could have been a better daughter. I wish I had spent more time with you. And hadn't been such a selfish little shit. I know now, looking at my own daughters, you only did what you did because you wanted me to be a better person.

I wish I could have had a few more years with you. Not just for me, but for the girls.

Mackenzie was your little Squeaky. And she was so close to you. I wish you were here to see what a beautiful, smart little girl she has become.

Breanna, well what can I say about her. She is rotten. But she really does have a big heart.

And then there is Victoria, we call her Tori for short. We named her after you. And you would love her so much.

I wish you could have met Donald. You would love him! He is so good to me and the kids. He saved me.  I was such a mess after the accident. Doing things that I shouldn't have been doing. And he got me away from all that. We never fight. He is truly my soul mate.

Mommy, I'm tired. I am tired of hurting. Tired of crying. I want you here with us like you should be. I just don't know what to do. I am so lost with out you.

There are days that I wish that me and the girls had been in the car with you. Then we could still all be together. And there are nights that I hope that I won't wake up in the morning, just so that I can be with you again. But I never want the girls to know the pain that I'm in. I just couldn't do that to them.

I hope you and Dad, and Papaw are having a good reunion there in Heaven. I miss him too. Please tell him that we love him.

All I know is that I want my Mommy! I need you here with me. I'm really not strong enough to do this without you.

I just want you to know, that I love you with all my heart and I always will. And I miss you.

Love,
Me

XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Name Change PLEASE!!!

Well it's one of them days.

You know, when you here MOMMY!!!!!????!!! All damn day long.

I love my kids, but there are some days where I just want to string them up by their baby toes.

rambling of a crazy lady

Yeah, and lately I am feeling the tree part.

So this is my first UNMEDICATED blog. Yep Peeps ya hurd me. Joni is off her crazy pills. So sit back , buckle up, and keep all appendages in the tram at all times, because this is gonna be one crazy ass ride.

Why yes, yes I am. I am an expert on crazy. And crazy knows crazy!

Ok so this blog right here that your reading really doesn't have a point to it. I'm sure it did when I started with the dog and the tree, but somehow I lost my train of thought. In fact I'm positively sure that I have this whole earth shattering , life altering blog that was well written AND insightful all mapped out in my head. I just know I did. And it just disappeared

Well ain't that some crazy shit right there?

Who forgets what they were going to write about?

Oh yeah.... DUH that would be me.

See what happens when I get off my meds.

I got all dicombobulated. And easily distracted. .

Like, I love shiny things because, well they are shiny, and unmedicated Joni is simple like that and likes all things shiny.

So it may be awhile before I get back to my uber important writing, about the peniles, and boobies, and crazy grocery shopping.

Oh did I tell ya'll what I did today? Nope I sure didn't. I went shopping with the littles. I go into my purse to get my wallet, and pull out a handful of DVD's. Not even sure how they got there but I am fairly certain that the 2 year old little did it.

I miss my crazy pills :(

No I don't the unmedicated me is a hoot. I think? Yeah I am.

Quit?

There are times in my life where I just want to give up. Run away and never come back. Crawl into a hole and just cease to exist. And these past few days I have felt just like that.

Between my health problems, bills, and the stress of being a stay at home Mommy, there are times I feel like just giving up.

I'm sure the biggest contributor to how I have been feeling was the 4 year angelversary of my parents this past Sunday. I pretty much stayed in bad all day and cried. And that is all I have wanted to do since then.
I think about them everyday. And lately it feels as if my heart is being ripped in 2. The loss of them is more painful than any of my health problems have ever been. And I have no clue how to heal my soul. Not sure that I want to. I don't ever want to forget them or what they ment to me.

On top of that. I recently found out that they believe that I have cervical cancer. Which is super scary to me. I haven't had my lady time since May, and the Doc doesn't even know why.

Mackenzie's migraines are getting worse. So her pediatrician wants to start doing cranial massage once a week to see if it helps improve them. And of course as a mother I have the worst possible reasons for her migraines going through my head.

So yeah right now, I want to call it a game and quit................

Regrets

I am not a perfect parent. I have never claimed to be. But do know this I love my children with everything that is in me, and everything I do is for them.

But I do have regrets. I wish I had found the wonderful man that I have in my life now a lot sooner than I did. And then maybe my girls wouldn't have been stuck with the " father "  they got.

Mac, and Bree are the best things that came out of that disaster of a marriage.

I put up with a lot of BS to try to remain a family because it's what I thought my kids needed at the time.

I went through physical, mental, and sexual abuse at the hands of that man. I hated him for years before I got away from him.

H never once helped care for the kids while we were married. All of his money went to his pot habit. And even now, he does not try to see them or pay child support.

When Mac was 3 and Bree was 1 he tried to kill us. I was driving 80 miles an hour down the interstate and he tried to pull the emergency brake on the car. Yet he cares about his kids is what he told the judge at our last court hearing. If he really cared , would he try to do something like that?

Yet, he won't let them go. D wants to adopt them so badly. He is their Daddy. He is the one that cares for and supports them.

My biggest regret is calling 911 and saving Justin's life. If I had known then what I know now, I never would have called. The brain surgeon told me then if I had waited an hour longer to call that he would have been dead. And honestly if I could go back in time and do it all over? I would have stayed at m,y friend A's house a little longer, and never called.

He would be dead and my life would be peaceful.

My kids would never have to know how much he doesn't care for him, and how much he hates me and wants to make my life Hell.

They do not deserve this.

They deserve a Daddy that loves them and would do anything for them.

Why won't he just let go?

Don't we have the right to be happy?

Ray of Sunshine ( Sunshine Blogger Award)

^^^^ See that? Yep, I got me anodder award.

I must thank my wonderful pal Stacy over at stacy sews and schools. I just love her and her blog. She is so talented, ( just wish I could sew, maybe I could pay her to come to Virginia to teach me?, Nah, I'd just get distracted looking at pretty fabrics with her.).

So, much like all the other wonderful awards, there are rules to the award.

Here's Da Rulez Man!

1. If you are nominated , you must blog a post linking back to the person/blog nominating you.

2. Ya gotsa answer some questions....

3. Ya needa nominate at least 5 fellow ( not really fellows, gals too) bloggers , and link their blogs to your post... ( okay it's supposed to be 10, but I don't really know a lot of people)

4. You should comment on your nominees blogs to let them know about the reward that you have bestowed ( haha look at me using big words) upon them.

Q&A time my Loves!!!!

1. Who is your favorite philosopher? 

Hmmm that's a tough one. I's say Sylvia Brown. But she isn't really a philosopher. But in one of her books she has tenets that go with her religion and one has always stuck with me. "In faith be like the wind chimes. Hold steady, until faith, like the wind, moves you to joy". 

2.  What is your favorite number?

I love this one. For some odd reason it's the number 23. ( I have been 23 years old and holding for the past going on 8 years now, but thankfully I can still pass for age)

3.  What is your favorite animal?

I don't think I can choose just one, so I will go with category...  ANYTHING FLUFFY!!!!!!!!!!!

4. What are your Facebook and twitter URL's?

I don't use twitter (  I think it's kinda boring ), but my facebook is................. WTF was I thinking?

5. What is your favorite time of day?

Anything after 11am. I am soooo NOT a morning person

6. What was your favorite vacation?

When I was 13 and we went to Disney World ( but honestly Sea World was my favorite part. I love Manatee's !!!)

                                                                ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

                                                      Ain't they the cutest? I just LOVE them!!!!

7. What is your favorite non-alcoholic drink?

I am a total Mountain Dew addict!!! FYI my fave alcoholic drink is a mud slide!!!

8. What is your favorite physical activity?

Hmmmmm, I love Zumba!!!! ( I was so going to say something else, but I figured that I would keep this post G rated )

9. What is your favorite flower?

I love love love love Orchids and Lily's!!! 

10. What is your passion?

Not really sure I can just narrow this down to one.  I think my top one is my family and friends. I'm also quite fond of reading a good book and writing. Right now tho I am passionate about losing weight! ( BTW I just started those ACE diet pills that everyone is raving about..... I hope I see some results too)

And the Nominees are?!?!?!

1. Cup of tea and a blog

2. Graceful Disaster

3.Mrs. Monologues

4. Just keep Swimming

5. Cassandra's corner

Boggled

So much going on right now. I feel like I'm being neglectful in my blogging. In the next 2 weeks we have 5 Doctor appointments ( 2 of which are mine), school starts next Tuesday, a birthday next Thursday, and a birthday bash next Saturday. All of that on top of a VERY grumpy 2 year old, and fighting 6 and soon to be 9 year old. My brain is going 10 million miles a hour. And I seem to be a lot more forgetful than usual.

So yeah I am stressing big time. Found out I have kidney reflux and they are going to schedule the surgery for the end of this month. I went to the gyno yesterday and they think I have cervical cancer. Won't have the test results back for 2 damn weeks tho.

                                                     ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Yep that's how my brain is working right about now.

On the plus side. I got my drink on last night. And alcohol REALLY does intensify the effect of pain killers. Which was freeking AWESOME!!!

Oh on top of all that. The stupid EX from Hell, wants ME to do jail time because of "non compliance of visitation", when he hasn't made an effort all damn Summer to even see the kids!!!!! That's fine, if he wants to be a dick, I'm turning into psycho Bitch from Hell on his ass. Filing amendment papers with the J&D court Monday. Ima get me some supervised visitation and random drug testing on his sorry ass. The oldest small wants NOTHING to do with him. She wants Hubby to adopt her. Not sure how to get the ball rolling on that one, but I shall figure it out!!

So what's new with Y'all?

Kids for Sale

So If anyone would like to have them, just offer me ANYTHING! I have been cleaning all day long today, and I still ain't done yet.

I go into the Small's bed room, and low and behold the MOUNTAIN of clean clothes I just freeking washed and instructed them to put away, was under their bed. Now I have to rewash EVERYTHING!!! I had to detail clean the crap out of their room.

So needless to say.... Their allowance they want so bad? Yeah well it's going toward MORE laundry detergent.

I would much rather have a clean home and unhappy kids. But that's NEVER going to happen. And after the day I have had I feel like this:

And I still need to finish all the laundry, clean the kitchen, the bathroom, and Me and Hubbie's bedroom...... :(  

Almost School Time B&^%$Es

Yep it's that time of year. When all stay at home Moms start doing that happy mental dance!

I am on official countdown!

Yep you guessed it, we are just weeks away from the kids going back to school!

Hell yeah! I will spend most of my days tending to one 2 year old instead of an 8, 6, and a 2 year old. I will no longer have to think of creative ways to keep the older 2 kids entertained. No more will I have a disaster house. My house will once again resemble well, a clean home again. I will not have to spend all day every day cleaning up after the havoc they have reeped all over my home. I can once again clean once a day and spend the rest of it playing online and with the baby. I can go grocery shopping and to Dr appointments during the DAY and not have to find sitters or bring all 3 kids with me, just to spend the whole trip screaming NO, STOP THAT, QUIT KICKING MY DAMN SEAT I AM TRYING TO DRIVE, DON'T TOUCH YOUR SISTER!!!

I will miss them. Oh Hell, who am I kidding. I am so excited for this!!! Come on August 14, your not getting here fast enough!!!

Now about my least favorite part.....

Yep spending loads of money that I don't have on back to school supplies and clothes. Oye!  So tomorrow, I am ( hopefully for the last time for a long time), venturing out with the older Small's to do some much needed shopping. And get this, we are going to the MALL!!!!! Please pray for me.

But honestly, I would spend a million dollars on supplies if it ment that I would once again have a peaceful home.

I know the kids aren't really digging this whole back to school thing, but WHO EFFIN CARES!!!! My happiness counts tooo!!!

Well kinda, I mean I will have a rowdy 2 year old to tend too........

Good Luck Momma's and may the power of the Back to School Juju be with you! Own the Force !!!!